See You In The Morning. X

Hello Loves,

Today I share majorly sucky news.

Ellie, the family dog had passed away with the injection. In all honesty I am absolutely gutted because that dog, was just a superstar. Believe it or not I don’t really remember how I got introduced to her but what I do remember however how she took my heart by surprise.

I never really had a dog that was long enough to stay in the family. We had two before Ellie, Tom the sheep dog who tragically got nicked when I was five and then Max when I was eleven but sadly we have to give Max away due to mum and dad splitting up. So it was only cats or fish from then on. Ellie however was (its horrid using past tense grammar) a mix of a bull mastiff with an Alsatian with a hint of a ridgeback (?) according to my step dad and my goodness that dog was beautiful.

She was kind, loving and patient (she had to be in our household)! The two breeds that created her only went up to 7 years though this dog was 14 (looked at her vet records) so she managed to beat the clocks and carry on going. She would walk my siblings down the drive and come back down when they are due to arrive home. Whenever you wanted to pass the door to get into our house you have to pay her a treat or she’ll be a taxman chasing you up and having to give her two treats. She would want cuddles, she would want kisses, and she just wanted love. Which she provided us with her heart and we provided back with all the love that you can imagine.  

Earlier this year Ellie had a mini stroke and never been the same since. Her legs collapse and well she went worse from there really. We had to give her medication that would help her, and we would wrap it up in ham. Sometimes she would go to bed with us too.

Then last week she would just stop eating, and it was heart aching to see. We called the vets on Monday when I got back from Stuart’s, so I could say goodbye. That was hard enough. We dreaded each hour until five that evening till they vets arrived and miraculously she started eating again! We thought we didn’t need the vets till I realised this is the right thing to do even if it seems so shitty and horrible thing to put her through. My two younger siblings weren’t in the room at this point, and the vets said that she is a good age and her liver isn’t working properly. So they didn’t push us to it but it was advisable that this was the kindest thing to do. We all agreed it was.

Ellie passed away with determination trying to keep awake but she was around the humans that she loves the most.

So sweet dreams Ellie, See you in the morning.

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Secondary Emotions.

Hey loves,

Not going to lie over this past week I went through a lot of emotions, and you can see I deleted a blog. It was intentional but I have a belief.

A belief that anger is a secondary emotion. You only feel it for a slight moment or you may feel it for longer but happiness will overcome.

For example this past week I had got told that my boyfriend might not to be able to handle the long distance when I am in University. Now when he first told me I cried, and I cried for quite some time with him holding me just thinking about the worst. You see when I am with him, I can see my entire life with him. Well I don’t see my entire life because there are going to be hidden surprises along the way but nevertheless.  Then when it sunk in I was really, really angry because before we ever even started to date he knew I was going back down for university. He knew that I was going to a welsh university, and if had told me sooner of his thoughts I could have done something about it though instead I was stressed beyond belief that some of my colleagues had even told me I looked like a dead man walking. I got even angrier because I was eavesdropping and everyone seems to forget I can do that. I heard what my dad had to say then my own mother, my dad and step-mum.  I had no one to vent to but my blog, and that’s where achy came from and once I wrote it, I deleted it straight away because I was in the wrong. Instead of talking about it I was venting it out to the world. No one should be reading something that personal.

My manager told me that I wasn’t myself this whole week, and I just cried out to her because I didn’t know what to do but deep down inside I did. I always knew. It just took a tear or two or even more tears to realise. In the end it was telling him. Telling the guy that I do love dearly on what are my thoughts about it even though I didn’t know what to tell him.

So, what did I do? What did I say?

What I did was printed out an academic dairy, and highlighted every dates that I will be coming up north to Scotland. What it looks like is once every month. A weekend every month, and then if I talk to dad about it is when he comes down to see my siblings is to take him down to save petrol.  Then I got deep root in the problem, in his blog: Insert Title Here. It mentions his previous relationship with Sam, and well… that was a long distance relationship and it didn’t go down to well. I need to remind him that I am not Sam. I am (using my real name now, don’t be shocked) Alexandra. I am Alexandra who loves and adores Stuart no matter what. I think cheating on a person you truly love is disgusting, and if you feel that way towards that person you’re cheating on with you don’t really love that person. You see where I am coming from?

Then a couple of nights ago I had a message from a person I was meant to move in before the whole landlord fiasco with and basically he told me he liked me when he knows I have a cariad, not going to lie I didn’t know how to respond but to tell Stuart about this. First he was shocked because this person was meant to be a friend, secondly he got very angry because he was worried about this sort of thing in the first place. You can say that I am very naïve and innocent in a way. I cannot tell when a person is flirty with me, so I let them carry on without me knowing and then understanding. Ending of that story is that I told him to back off. Stuart wants me add if he makes a move on me he’ll break his teeth really.

I understand where he is coming from, and hopefully he’ll understand where I am coming from. Just hoping everything will come together in the end little loves. The way it should be.

In conclusion with emotions sometimes you need to step back and analyse the situation even if it’s hard to do.

Greatest love,

Shankies. 

xxxxxxxxxxx

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Hey Cariad Bach.

Hello Cariad Bach,

I haven’t met you yet, and you are nowhere near the horizon but I thought I might write this to you at the age of twenty years old. I do have some things to say but as you know I am well into the past to tell you them.

I have all sorts of thoughts on what personality you are going to take after or who would you take after in looks wise, but either all I know you will be a big baby and with plenty of black hair.

Thing is, you have been on my mind since I was eighteen, thinking on what I can become to support you finically and any way I can. But what I hope is:-

·         That you will be kind. Kindness is an act of virtue, I do not want you to take anger on anyone as it’s only in the moment emotion. I want to you be kind to everyone you see, show everyone your beautiful. Where there is kindness there is goodness and when there is goodness there is magic.

·         That I never ever want you to lose your sense of wonder. Having a sense of wonder is wonderful. I want you to believe in fairies, mermaids and the borrowers. Yes Santa does exist, so you better be good.

·         I want you to show emotion. If you’re feeling upset, cry into my arms and burst into tears. I’ll comfort you. If you’re smiling with joy, I’ll smile with you and share that joy. If you done something incredible stupid and feeling embarrassed… I’ll try not to giggle but you should know that your mammy has done some things that are incredible stupid.

·         Work hard. Whatever you want to be or whatever talent you possess I want you to work hard at it because one day that talent or whatever you want to be you’ll earn from it and be utterly perfect at it.

·         Daddy is a numpty. But he means well.

And a silly one to end on… I want you to eat your vegetables Cariad bach.

Lots of Love

Mammy.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future husband of mine,

First of all, I know who you are you wee little eejit. Second of all, have I mentioned that I love you recently?

What an opening, huh? But seriously, have I told you that I love you recently? You make me smile in joy. You make me giggle like none stop. You almost know everything about me, a woman has to keep some secrets doesn’t she? Then again I can swap you for one secret for one of yours.

There’s a lot of hopes and dreams when I think of you. When I do think of us.

I just cannot wait for the day where I can call you husband. I hope you cannot wait for me to become your wife.

Greatest love,

Your future wife.

xxxxxxxxxxx

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Maybe One Day.

As I am writing this, he is sleeping next to me snoring asleep (in his boxer shorts if you want to really, really want to know but I doubt you do).

Today was a wedding for one of my best friends (I have three in total) Vicki with her new husband Rob (haha, it felt so beautiful to write that) we danced, ate and celebrate. At least I can wake up on 26th of July and think ‘at least I have no more jars now’ I don’t think I want to see another or make another jar ever  again. Only for ligament reasons.

Now let’s go back to the start and think of this lovely man next to me.  I know we have only been together for 5 months. In all honesty it feels like longer, so much longer if I am entirely honest but at the same time it only feels like yesterday where he took me on a 7 mile hike and kissed me when we got home even though he argues I kissed him. If you are reading this sweetheart, you turned over and kissed me slowly thank you!

Today at this wedding he called me Perfect and he held me in his arms like a thousand or so before with a different smile on his face… which I am trying to put my finger on what does this smile mean? Should I know about this smile? He had it on his face all day till he fell asleep.  Then we had a meal, kept whisperings I love yous and held hands.

During the first dance of Vicki and Rob’s to the classic Bryan Adams 1991 song Everything I do (I do it for you) the DJ announced everyone with partners to go up on the middle dance floor to dance, I thought Jade and Tommy would be on the dance floor but I got swopped up, and I guess it was my first dance with him as a couple.

Then I spat out “Maybe one day.”

It might be with him, but that one day can only tell me.

Though Right now, I want to cuddle into my Panda bear and hope he’ll be in that one special day.

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Within Two Months Time....

Hey loves,

Not going to lie with each passing tick tock of the clock it is getting scarier and scarier, for multiple reasons.

•  I am going to university in less than two bloody months, not long ago I was jumping up and down finding out that I, Shankies, has had an unconditional offer and will be going to university this September. 

But one problem, I got let down not by 1 but by 4 landlords whilst looking for student accommodation. Average per term rate for accommodation for university is £3,000. OUCH! My poor, poor purse. Even though a family member has offered to pay my deposit for the rented accommodation, it’s just finding the house then meeting the house mates reading over the tenancy agreement and then agreeing to it. Doesn’t sound hard now, does it? Wrong again my loves, you see I have to move without securing a job down there, even I have messaged small businesses asking for open vacancies already. Most said they haven't got any and now its getting a little scary.

What might be a solution is what everyone has been telling me to avoid. Moving back in with my mother. Do not get me wrong, I love my mammy, love my stepdad and also my siblings but everyone is telling me what if I want to stay out? What if I want a drink? What if I participate in clubs and societies? What If I do want to stay at my mams but this family member might be cross at me? Do I want my independence? Will this be a step back? 

The last think I want is a feud but I need to think of all of these things and see if its for me, and me alone without anyone looking through the window and seeing a living room instead of the whole house!

• With university I have to leave Panda Bear up in Scotland. Since leaving so close near each other, it’s a worrying thought even though he said we’ll figure something out, stop worrying. Urgh, I AM A WORRYBUG! FEAR ME! I PANIC! I don’t want to imagine him not being a part of me. I am utterly madly, truly and deeply in love with my cariad. I just don’t want to leave him behind. 

I think I need a cuddle?

Greatest love,

Shankies

xxxx

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Nights Aren't So Lonely.

Hey loves,

The summer is upon us (well sort of), and the days are longer. The days are getting hotter (some days). Oh, and lovely sweet bubble-gum ice cream (wait you can have that all year round)!

As the days go by before I know it it’s going to be winter and freezing again. I do adore winter, I enjoy the cold. I love the smell of peppermint in the winter months, reminds me of Christmas. Hopefully it snow twice as much this year too. Though the deal with winter is that the shorter days and the longer nights. I cannot stand to be in the dark, and I cannot be in the dark. I’m just so afraid of the dark, even worse what is in the dark.

Even though its summer now but I cannot think on what will happen in a few months’ time, it’ll be Christmas season, birthdays, Halloweens and brown leafs falling from the tree. Making snow men with a loved one calling it Olaf. Drinking hot chocolate with a big massive cuddle on the leather sofa or just a massive cuddle on the bed (I do that anyway with the cariad) and my mother’s scouse on a winter day when I need a cheering up. 

But two things that I know is that I know I will not be alone these dark nights, and winter is coming.

Greatest love,

Shankies.

xxx

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